Attack of the Fan Club
by mightycarrot
Summary: What if a Wilson fan club was just dropped into the House universe and they saw Wilson. This is what would probably happen. Rather long oneshot. Enjoy!


It was probably the most beautiful day of the year. The sun was out, but there were enough clouds out to shade you from the sun's penetrating rays. Even the temperature was perfect. A slight breeze was blowing through the trees, making the leaves flutter slightly.

James Wilson usually drove his car to work, but today was too gorgeous of a day. It would be sin not to enjoy the day to it's full potential. So, he was walking to work. All of the stuff he needed was there anyway. It wasn't like he had all this office supplies to haul to work.

He had just been walking down the street, when a peppy, blonde girl with a high, squeaky voice, ran up to him. Well, it was more like bouncing up to him actually.

"Are you Dr. James Wilson?" she asked, latching onto his arm.

"Uh, yeah," Wilson replied, looking down at his arm, "I am."

"REALLY!" the girl squealed, bouncing up and down, which was a little uncomfortable for Wilson's arm. "I'm your biggest fan!"

Before Wilson could ask what she meant by "fan", another girl with dark brown hair ran to them.

"What do you mean you're his biggest fan?" she asked the blonde girl, "I'm his biggest fan!"

The blonde girl completely ignored the brunette girl.

"Can I have your autograph?" she asked.

"Can you autograph my hat?" asked a girl who was suddenly standing right next to him.

"I, uh, have to go to work," Wilson said, trying to pull his arm free from the blonde girl's grip.

"But there are more of us," the girl in the hat announced.

"More?"

Wilson turned his head to see dozens of girl's walking in his direction. They all had pencils in their hands. They were like very lively and excited zombies that kept chanting "Sign! Sign!"

Wilson finally broke away from the group with a quick goodbye. He started to walk away and looked behind his shoulder to see the girls were still following him. He walked a little faster and saw that they were still behind him. Finally, he broke out into a run.

He didn't stop till he reached the front steps of the Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital. He stopped and rested against the wall, panting from all the running. He looked out into the parking lot and froze. There were the groupies, running toward him like a stampede. He ran into the hospital and ran into his office, locking the door. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door.

"I'm not here!" shouted a slightly panicked Wilson.

"Okay, talking furniture. Tell me when Wilson comes back, will you?"

Wilson ran to the door and unlocked it.

"It's you," he said, ushering House into the room and then locking the door behind him, "I thought you were someone else."

"Obviously," House replied.

"This sounds crazy, but I have fan girls chasing me wanting my autograph."

"I didn't know oncology was that popular. I'm going to need to change jobs."

"They followed me all the way here from home. I even ran."

"They know where you live?"

"Yes! That's the point! I have a herd of stalkers!"

"A herd of stalkers wouldn't make sense. It's harder to hide in the bushes with that many people."

"Why don't you have a fan club, oh Great Problem Solving Doctor?"

"I did have one. Cuddy gave them all restraining orders."

He snapped his fingers and muttered "foiled again."

They suddenly heard the sound of dozens of people walking through the hallway. The sound stopped in front of the doorway. There was a moment of silence, and then…

"It's him!" shrieked the blonde girl's voice, "It's his office!"

She was followed by a deafening sound of shrill squeals.

"Is he in his office?" asked the one of the girl's.

"Probably. He's probably in there… working!"

More screams. House raised his eyebrow and looked at Wilson, who was standing behind his desk looking very confused.

"What are you doing here?" asked a female voice that sounded very familiar to the two doctors.

"We came to see Dr. Wilson," announced the blonde girl.

"Well, you could wait in a waiting room. I don't think he's in his office right now."

There was a collective groan.

"Maybe he's in House's office?" one of the girls piped up in hopeful voice.

The crowd was ecstatic again. They all ran in the direction of House's office. A moment later there was a knock on the door. Wilson ran to the door and unlocked it. Cuddy strode into the room looking around, the expression on her face matching Wilson's look of bewilderment.

"You have a lot of patients out there," she announced.

"They aren't patients. They're my fan club," Wilson replied.

"I have to deal with another one?"

"I should probably go and protect the ducklings," House suddenly said, "They don't know how to handle fan clubs without restraining orders."

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By the time House had gotten to his office it was too late. The fan club had already been there. He could tell by the shell-shocked expressions of the ducklings.

"I see you've met Wilson's fan club."

"They all came in asking where Wilson was," Cameron reported, "After they saw he wasn't here they all gaped at the whiteboard and drew on it."

House looked over at his beloved whiteboard. There were doodles of rainbows, stars, kittens, and other random things. In the center was a big heart with Wilson's name in it. The markers were opened and were lying all over the table.

"They left a minute ago," Cameron finished.

"They touched my markers," House said, setting his cane against the table and limping over to his seat. He began putting the caps back on the markers.

At that moment Wilson ran into the room, almost slamming the glass door behind him.

"They found me!" he cried.

"Well, an office with glass walls is probably not the best place to hide," House commented, but Wilson just ignored him and leaned up against a wall behind the whiteboard.

"Nice hiding place," House said dryly, looking down at Wilson's legs and feet, which were visible under the whiteboard, "They'll never think to look here."

"They were already here, so they probably won't look here again," was Wilson's reply, "Lightning never strikes in the same place."

"But fan girls do," House answered back.

Cuddy chose that moment to walk into the room with a folder full of papers.

"This is for you," she said, handing the papers to Wilson.

"How did you find me?" Wilson asked, stepping out from behind the whiteboard.

"It wasn't that hard."

"Why do you have a fan club?" Chase finally asked.

"I don't honestly know," Wilson replied.

"Maybe you should send a spy to find out their secrets." House said.

"Like who?" Wilson asked.

"It has to be a woman," Foreman said, "Because a man would stick out like a sore thumb in that group."

All heads turned to look at Cuddy.

"I'm not being your spy," Cuddy said with a laugh, "I have paperwork to do."

All heads turned and looked in the opposite direction at Cameron.

"Fine," Cameron said with a sigh, "But I'm going to need a disguise…"

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Ten minutes later, Cameron was standing in the lobby, leaning up against the wall, and eating a bag of potato chips. Her clever disguise was a Yankees baseball cap.

"Okay, we need a strategy," the blonde said, clapping her hands. In a few seconds the whole club had formed around the blonde girl in a football huddle. They were all whispering excitedly, mainly about Wilson.

"We know that Wilson is somewhere in the building," the blonde girl announced, "All we have to do is look in all the places that he might be."

"But that's what we've been doing," a girl with purple hair replied.

"I want to see Wilson!" a brunette cried.

"We will see Wilson," reassured the blonde girl, "We just have to keep looking."

"I don't think we'll ever find him," whispered a girl standing next to Cameron. Cameron just nodded and continued eating her chips. Nobody seemed to be recognizing her, so that was a good thing. In fact, no one was even glancing at her. They were all entranced by the topic of Wilson. It was a little creepy.

"Maybe he found a backdoor and snuck out," suggested one girl.

"Maybe he went to House's house." another girl said.

"Remember that one episode when Wilson stayed at House's house and House kept stealing his food!" the brunette said excitedly.

"And there was the note that said: 'Wilson's. Trespassers will be prosecuted.' That was awesome!" cried the purple haired girl.

All the girls sighed dreamily. Cameron raised one eyebrow.

"Focus!" the blonde girl cried, snapping her fingers.

The club snapped out of its' nostalgic state and focused on the topic at hand.

"Wilson is in the building," the blonde girl insisted, "He's probably in his office as we speak."

As if on cue, Wilson walked past the lobby on his way to his office.

"Wilson!" the fan girls screamed in unison. Cameron watched as Wilson bolted down the hallway. His fan club followed in relentless pursuit.

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Wilson ran down the hallway as fast as he could. He'd thought it was safe by now. All he would have to do was walk down the hallway to his office and lock the door. The fan club would eventually get bored after searching the entire hospital, and leave. He only had an appointment with one patient today, and that was late in the afternoon. So he could just hide out, and if the fan girls weren't gone by then, he would figure out someway to get to his patient.

All he had to do was walk to his office. Simple, right? Of all hallways in this hospital that lead to his office, he had to walk down the one by the lobby.

Now he was looking for an exit sign. Anything that would mean escape. Then he saw it. It pointed out to him like an oasis. It was a small, blue sign that said "Men's Room".

He kept running and didn't stop till he was safely in the bathroom. Once he was in, he closed the door and leaned back against the door as if trying to hold it up. The fan girls groaned with disappointment, but there were no sounds that announced they were leaving. They were just going to stand in that exact spot until Wilson came out.

Standing in front of Wilson was a very confused looking janitor, frozen in mid-floor mopping.

"Hi," Wilson said, extending his hand, "My name is Dr. James Wilson. If I never come out of this bathroom again, please don't give anything in my office to Dr. House."

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Meanwhile, back in House's office, House and the rest of his staff were waiting for Cameron to come back with news. Wilson had left a few minutes ago so that he could hide in his office.

Cameron came back, taking off the Yankees cap and putting it on the table.

"They found Wilson," she reported, putting her white lab coat back on, "He's trapped in the men's room now."

"Where is the fan club?" Foreman asked.

"Outside the men's room," Cameron replied.

"What did you find out?" House interrupted.

"They were talking about when Wilson was staying at your house and how you stole his food."

House leaned back in his chair a little bit.

"Okay," he said slowly, "That is weird."

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Cuddy was walking down the hall on her way to the lobby when something stopped her. A roadblock of giggling fan girls were standing right in front of the men's restroom. This had to have something to do with Wilson.

"Would you please leave the hallway," Cuddy said to the fan girls, gesturing for them to shoo with her folder, "you can wait in the lobby if you like."

The fan girls turned and looked at Cuddy.

"Now," she said.

The group groaned and shuffled off to the lobby. Once they were out of sight, Cuddy knocked on the door.

"Wilson!" she whispered, "Are you in there?"

"Yes," Wilson whispered back, "Why are we whispering?"

"They might be just around the corner waiting to spring out and attack," Cuddy replied, "What are you going to do about them?"

"I don't know. Make them go away?"

"You might have to come out of the bathroom to do that."

"But then they'll see me!"

Cuddy sighed.

"Well, tell me when you figure something out," she said, "or I'll have to give them all restraining orders. That will take up a lot of my time."

Then she continued on her route to the lobby. Once she got there, she was surprised by something. The fan club was not in there, bouncing in their seats with happiness. Her question about where the fan girls had disappeared to though was soon answered.

"Wilson!"

Cuddy watched as Dr. Yates, a blond doctor from the ER, bolted past her with a look of complete panic. He was followed by an onslaught of squealing females.

"I'm not Wilson!" he screamed, as he was chased down the hall and around the corner. Cuddy sighed and began changing her future schedule.

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Foreman opened the bathroom door and almost hit Wilson with it. Wilson jumped out of the way in time though.

"What are you doing in here?" Foreman asked Wilson, once he was in the bathroom.

"Hiding," Wilson replied, "Fan girls can't come in here."

"Why don't you face them and tell them to leave?"

"They'll trample me."

"So you're hiding in the bathroom instead?'

"Yes."

Foreman turned around and left the bathroom at that point. He returned to House's office and told them about Wilson being stuck in the bathroom.

"I hope I never get a fan club," he said, shaking his head.

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House was thinking. That is not really that amazing of a statement, but when House gets an idea, lots of things tend to happen, and they are not always good things.

"Chase has blond hair," he observed, looking at Chase's head.

"You just noticed this?" Foreman asked.

"Wilson has blond hair," House announced, completely ignoring Foreman.

"House?" Cameron asked, "What are you getting at?"

"The fan club is ecstatic because they saw Wilson, so they are in a state of euphoria." House explained, "They want so badly to see Wilson that they chase every blond guy they see, because they think he's Wilson."

"They're going to realize it's me," Chase said, starting to catch on, "And not Wilson."

"Eventually," House replied, "But that will give Wilson enough time to leave the bathroom."

"So, I'm basically going to be a decoy?" Chase asked, raising one eyebrow.

"What?" House asked sarcastically, "That doesn't sound like fun?"

"You could wear a hat," Cameron added.

"Who's side or you on?" Chase asked her.

"With a hat they would just think that you're Wilson in disguise," Foreman realized.

Chase looked around at his co-workers and sighed. Apparently, no one was on his side.

"Where's the hat?" he asked Cameron

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The Wilson decoy was starting it get bored. He had been standing in front of the bathroom for ten minutes now, waiting for the fan club to attack. So far all he had gotten was a few bystanders giving him confused looks.

"I think you can leave now," Chase said to Wilson. Anyone who had been walking by at that moment would have probably that this man had gone insane and was talking to the bathroom door. "They aren't coming."

At that moment, the herd of fan girls walked into the hallway and instantly zoned in on Chase's hair and white lab coat.

"Dr. Wilson!" they shrieked in harmony.

"On second thought, I think I'll stay here for awhile," Wilson replied. Chase never heard him though. He was too busy running like wind.

Chase darted down the hallway, dodging any bystanders in his way. Not that it mattered. The bystanders would just be flattened against the walls by the fan club anyway. The girls were relentless in their pursuit of what they thought was Wilson, and nothing was going to get in their way.

There was nothing Chase could really do now except run and scream. So, that's exactly what he did.

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Once Wilson was sure Chase and the fan club were gone, he slowly opened the bathroom door and looked both ways. The coast was clear. He ventured out into the hallway and eventually made his way to his office. He would remember to thank Chase for this later. That is, if he hadn't been trampled to death already.

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Poor Chase was being chased. He was already running out of breath and the fan club didn't seem to be even getting tired. They were like super fans. Nothing was stopping them.

After awhile, the fan club was starting to gain speed. They were catching up. He was going to ask House for a raise when this was over.

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Cuddy was walking by one of the clinic rooms when she heard a scream for help. She whirled around in time to see a blond doctor wearing a Yankees baseball cap run past her, followed by a blur of squealing girls. She just stood there, blinking, until she realized that they had been chasing Chase. She was beginning to wonder whether she just go and hide in her office as well.

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The Wilson decoy kept running until he ran into a dead end. The maze of hallways finally ended right at this wall. Oh, well. He'd had a good life.

He turned around and saw the fan club running towards him. He winced, waiting for the stampede. The group squealed with excitement as they came closer and two of them grabbed him by the arms. They surrounded him, most of them holding out notepads and pens.

"Wilson!" a girl wearing a green visor cried, "You're awesome!"

"I'm not Wilson!" Chase shouted.

There was a long moment of silence. The two girls who were latched onto his arms let go, and one of them pulled off the baseball cap to see if he was lying.

"You're not Wilson," one of them announced disappointedly.

"You're Chase!" cried another girl in the group, who didn't seem disappointed at all, "You have pretty hair!"

Chase wasn't sure how to respond to this.

"He's not Wilson though," the blonde girl with the squeaky voice squeaked, "We're looking for Wilson."

The club trudged off towards the lobby in defeat. Chase took this opportunity to run back to House's office.

Chase returned to House's office looking as if he'd just run five miles through a buffalo stampede. He collapsed into a chair and looked up at House.

"Plan A worked," House said, "That's good, because I didn't have a plan B."

"They could have trampled me!" Chase cried.

"Don't worry," House replied, "We would have had a nice funeral for you."

"I'm going to get something to drink," Chase said, standing up, "A soda sounds good right now."

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Wilson was sitting in his office when he heard a knock on the door. Usually he answered with just "Come in!" but today called for a "Who's there?"

"Cuddy," Cuddy answered, "I need to talk to you."

Wilson unlocked the door and let Cuddy in.

"Get rid them," Cuddy said, "Now."

"How?" Wilson asked.

"I don't know. Just get rid of them."

And with that she turned around and left.

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Chase inserted the dollar bill into the soda machine, press the button of the soda he wanted, and waited patiently.

The fan girls were waking in a little huddle, chattering excitedly, when they spotted a blonde doctor standing in front of a soda machine at the other end of the hallway. They froze in their tracks.

"Wilson!" they screamed for the six-hundredth time that day. Chase looked up in terror and bolted down the hallway without even looking back. The fan girls followed.

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Back in House's office; House, Cameron, and Foreman were waiting for Chase to come back. Foreman looked down at his watch, then at House.

"Where's Chase?" he asked.

"AGGGGHHHHHHH!"

Everyone turned in their seats to watch a screaming Chase run by the office at ultra speed, closely followed by a mob of screaming girls.

"There's Chase," House said, watching as Chase and the group ran down the hallway, "He's making friends."

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Chase ran into the lobby and almost ran into the real Wilson.

"I think I lost them," he gasped, "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to find them," Wilson replied.

"Where's the fun in that?"

House limped into the room, followed by Cameron and Foreman.

"Aren't you supposed to have clinic duty about now?" Cuddy asked House, appearing out nowhere with a folder full of papers in her hand.

"I have front row seats to watch Wilson meet the fan club," House told her.

"Oh, really?" Cuddy asked, actually intrigued.

"It's time to face the music," Wilson said.

"It's him!" came a squeal from behind him.

The doctors turned around and watched as the herd of fan girls ran towards Wilson. The ground even started to shake a little bit, like it does when a buffalo stampede is coming.

"Maybe this was a bad idea," Wilson announced with growing panic.

"What in the world you are doing?" shouted a female voice.

The fan club stopped, almost toppling each other over like dominoes. The doctors turned around to see what they were the voice had come from. Standing in front of the hospital doors was a short girl with reddish-blonde hair. She had her arms folded and was giving the fan club and incredulous look.

"I turn my back on you just to get a glass of water, and you leave the meeting and start chasing him everywhere!" she cried, gesturing towards Wilson.

"I think that's their leader," Wilson whispered to House.

"I'm never turning my back on you again if that's what you do!" she continued, "If you're gonna chase Wilson, please do it when he's not working."

"Sorry," a few of the fan girls mumbled.

"But I wanted him to sign my hat," whined hat girl.

The reddish-blonde girl looked at Wilson and smiled sheepishly.

"Could you sign her hat?" she asked, "She's my treasurer and I need her for the meeting."

"Uh, okay," Wilson replied. He took the girl's hat and wrote "Dr. Wilson" on it. The girl squealed and ran back to the group, who ooed and ahhed over the hat. After a few more autographs were signed the fan girls began to file out of the hospital, chatting excitedly about their autographs. The squeaky blonde girl and the short, reddish-blonde were last.

"I just love the show!" the blonde squealed, while Wilson autographed her notepad.

"What show?" he asked, handing back the notepad.

"Nothing," the reddish-blonde girl said, stepping in between the blonde girl and Wilson, "She's just excited."

The blonde girl left, bouncing up down, which left the reddish-blonde girl as the only fan in the room. She gave Wilson a goofy grin and a thumbs-up.

"Hi!" she said, "Big fan!"

She turned and gave House another thumbs up.

"You, too!"

Then she gave Chase a thumbs-up.

"Nice hair!"

With that she ran after the fan club, humming a Marx Brothers song.

"That was interesting," said Cuddy.

"I miss them already," House said.


End file.
